I have really been putting my brain and heart to the test in the past few days. In May of this year, I took what I had thought to be an amazing leap in my career choice. However, a this leap was more "off a cliff" than on to more stable ground.
I have honestly lived in hell for over 3 months...pure hell. I'm not talking my own personal hell filled with clowns, midgets, and slugs but one that consists of making a decision which affected my family, the way others look at me, and one which made me not appear to have my right mind at the time of execution. I took the road less traveled and, let me tell you, this is not a road you wish to take.
For 3 months, I have been belittled, bullied, and even threatened by a professional that would be known to the world as a "healer" or "medical expert". When I first took this job, I saw these chemists with the same dollar-sign shaped glasses as you all see them when you hear about new research studies or medicines hitting the market that can save lives. I was intimidated by them and I was in awe of their knowledge. Oh, to just have a little of what their brains are capable of holding.
Don't get me wrong, the bulk of the hard working scientists were fabulous and loved working with them. However, like me, they were not at the top of the totem pole to say or do anything to stir already rapid waters. I would never want anyone to risk saving a life to save my job.
Day after day, I kept feeling each blow and thinking to myself "well, if I kill this person with kindness then they will come around to seeing my brain in action as well." Let me tell you, some people are just plain evil. Some people thrive at seeing others in misery. They feed off of it like a parasite. Turning the other cheek was not going to work nor was applying 110% of my time to helping this person. This persons full time job was to put others in misery and 10% went to medical research. I guess I should've noticed the lack of conversation other faculty had with this person or any type of interaction for that matter.
My first thought while going through all this was "kids are bullied all the time and we educate them on how to get help" but where was my help? I couldn't file a grievance because I was on a 90 day probationary period. I couldn't approach a supervisor because when I did it was shrugged off with a laugh. Where were the informational pamphlets in HR for bullying to adults at a huge state entity? There were none.
Not only was it killing my self-esteem, I was bringing this person into our home as well. Well, not literally but the backlash of each misery-filled day was walking through the door with me when my two children came to greet me at the door after work. I was already hating my job because of this person and now I was hating how it was making me as a person. I hated life. Something had to give. I could not let my kids see me come home one more time as a beat down pee-on. I want them to strive to succeed but how can they do that with no female role model to show them how happy success can be?
After much thought and talking with my husband, I decided my best option was to cut my losses. With no notice other than an email stating my reasons for exiting, I got the heck out of there before it affected who I was any further. The days to follow were excruciating. Getting texts of "where are you?" and "we will miss you" from co-workers that actually had a piece of my heart were very devastating. The most devastating was the loss of hope in my future. I was a failure. I had gone to school for many years and had everything mapped out to a "T" and now my roadmap is gone. I was lost. I am lost.
I am in school and I want to finish my MEd that I had originally started many years ago but I don't know what I will do with it. I don't know where it will lead me. What I've known for the past 10 years is what I thought I was good at...but now it's gone.
How did I get here? I'm usually such a strong person and this one person put such a dent in my life that it changed everything I thought I wanted to be. It changed everything I thought about myself. I really thought I was something...someone. I used to be great at my job but now, I have to find a new way to feel good about myself again.
I've lost the respect of my mother who thinks everyone has to be working or they have no worth (she's a tough lady). I've disappointed myself because I never break. I never let anyone break me. NEVER...until now. I guess you really don't know a situation until you are knee deep in it. I don't feel like the superhero I thought I was before.
I think what hurts the most is that this person will find another victim to leach on to and make them feel as small as I do. I hope the person has enough sense to jump off way before I did. I hope my small gesture of quitting put this persons mind into thinking "maybe I need to be a little more respectful to others"...that's my naïve way of thinking. I keep hoping for the best in this person that they see how their attitude majorly impacts others lives...but there is no where to go here but to prayer for this person.
Lord, bless me as I start this new journey in my life. Let me go forward with an open and forgiving heart. Bless the person that helped me change my direction in life. Take her in your arms, Lord, and lead her to the ways of respecting and encouragement instead of anger and resentment. Lord, keep my mind positive and forgiving towards this person. Help me, Lord, to let go and let God take control of my life. Lord, I ask you to watch over me during this hard time and help me find true happiness in my life and the willingness to do what is right in your eyes for my girls, my husband and my life. Lord, I pray that you forgive me for questioning your reasons for bringing this situation into my life and instead, Lord, help me embrace it and know this was brought into my life to help me remember that I am human and you are almighty. Please come into my heart and help guide me the way you want me to go. Although I feel lost now, I know only you have the power to make me feel found again. Please forgive me of my anger and resentment and please forgive me for taking this out on my family. Help me to be a better Christian, Lord. In your name I pray. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment